As a couples therapist, I often encounter clients who express admiration for couples who seem to never argue or have disagreements. They perceive this as a sign of a healthy, harmonious relationship. However, this illusion of perfect tranquility is often a façade that masks deeper underlying issues.
True intimacy and connection in a relationship arise from the ability to navigate conflict, not the avoidance of it. Healthy couples may argue, disagree, and even fight, but what sets them apart from unhealthy couples is their capacity to quickly repair or mend their issues and move on with a sense of care and understanding.
The Dance Floor of Relationships
Imagine a relationship as a dance. The steps represent the patterns of interaction, the music, the emotional connection, and the partners, the individuals involved. A healthy relationship is like a dynamic dance, where partners move together in rhythm and occasionally stumble or step on each other’s toes. These missteps, or disagreements, are inevitable. However, how the partners respond to these missteps determines the health of the dance.
Unhealthy couples, on the other hand, may avoid conflict altogether, leading to a stagnant and disconnected dance. They may tiptoe around each other, afraid to express their true feelings or needs. This avoidance can create a sense of emotional distance and resentment.
The Importance of Repair
When couples argue or disagree, it’s essential to focus on repairing the emotional connection rather than simply resolving the conflict. This involves listening actively, validating each other’s feelings, and expressing empathy. It also means taking responsibility for one’s own actions and apologizing when necessary.
Healthy couples are skilled at repairing breaches in their emotional connection. They know how to calm themselves down, listen to their partner without defensiveness, and seek to understand their partner’s perspective. They are also willing to compromise and find mutually satisfying solutions.
Stonewalling: A Relationship Killer
The concept of stonewalling is closely related to our discussion of healthy and unhealthy relationships. As defined by renowned psychologist, John Gottman, Stonewalling is a defensive behaviour where one partner shuts down emotionally, withdrawing from the conversation. This often manifests as avoiding eye contact, becoming silent, or changing the subject.
Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Gottman has identified four destructive communication patterns that can predict divorce. Stonewalling is one of these “Four Horsemen.” The others are criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. When these behaviours become prevalent in a relationship, they can erode trust, intimacy, and ultimately, the relationship itself. Stonewalling is a clear indicator of an unhealthy relationship. When one partner consistently stonewalls, it creates a barrier to effective communication and conflict resolution. It can lead to feelings of isolation, resentment, and a breakdown of emotional connection.
The Importance of Repair
Healthy couples are skilled at repairing breaches in their emotional connection. This includes recognizing and addressing stonewalling behaviours. When one partner begins to stonewall, the other partner can try to gently encourage them to re-engage in the conversation. This might involve using calming techniques, validating their feelings, and expressing a desire to understand their perspective. Overcoming stonewalling requires a commitment to open and honest communication. It may also involve seeking professional help from a therapist or counsellor. Gottman’s work offers valuable insights into the dynamics of relationships and provides strategies for improving communication and building a stronger connection.
The Dance of Intimacy
In conclusion, the illusion of a relationship without conflict is a dangerous one. It can lead to stagnation, resentment, and ultimately, a breakdown of the relationship. True intimacy and connection arise from the ability to navigate conflict, not the avoidance of it. By embracing the dance of disagreement and repair, couples can strengthen their bond, deepen their understanding of each other, and create a more fulfilling and lasting relationship.
If you’re struggling to navigate disagreements in your relationship, consider seeking the guidance of a therapist. They can provide tools and strategies for effective communication and conflict resolution.
IH Psychotherapy is a practice located in Vaughan, Ontario. Our team provides in-person and virtual therapy. We serve clients in Thornhill, Richmond Hill, North York, Toronto, Woodbridge, Markham, Newmarket, and Maple. Our virtual therapy services enable us to support clients in the Greater Toronto Area such as Mississauga, Brampton, Etobicoke and cities throughout Ontario.
The information provided in this blog post is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional psychotherapy or treatment. Always seek the advice of a qualified mental health provider. We do not endorse or guarantee the accuracy, quality, suitability, or reliability of any of the resources listed.